Christian Dating After 60
- The Singles Network Ministries, Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- 201413 Feb
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
Trying Something New. My general tip would be to just try something different. Don’t bond over your baggage. Baggage bonding is when an early date shifts into deep conversation. Romance After 60. Seniors, when it comes to sex, use it or lose it, says a noted sex educator. 'You should continue to have good sex for the same reason you should continue to get good exercise. Dating after 60 can be intimidating, especially after a divorce. Find out what to expect, how to start dating again & join our community of like-minded women.
QUESTION: I'm 46 years old and have been single for 8 years. I would really like to get married, but I feel like I don't know how to date anymore. Help!
HE SAID:
I’m sure many of us have found ourselves at that very same place at times. I have heard it said if we don’t continue to learn and re-educate ourselves every four years, we fall back fifty percent in knowledge. If this is true in the dating realm, it’s time for you to get back in the game and learn, or re-learn, some of the skills you had.
I have always likened dating to a job interview.
You search for a companion with many of the same criteria you would a prospective employer.
You want to work for someone who will put you in a position to succeed, and help you to succeed.
You want an environment where you can utilize your gifts, passion and desires to grow and serve in a meaningful way.
You want a place where you will be valued, recognized and appreciated.
In the same way, a relationship with a mate should reflect many of these same desires.
In preparation for an actual interview, you research, prepare and learn as much as you can about the company. You want to know about their values, purpose and reason they do what they do (and what they believe). It’s beneficial to find out who they align themselves with and whom they serve. You want to know whether the company has a long-standing track record or just around for a quick profit (or one-night stand).
Likewise knowing these things about a prospective mate could make a difference whether or not the date should go forward.
At an interview, you want to put your best foot forward, be friendly, smile, engage yourself in conversation, ask questions of the employer, find out what makes them tick, and discover what they like about their job. It’s a matter of seeing if you and they may be the right “fit” for each other.
On a date, we essentially do the same thing. However, sometimes we make the mistake in thinking if it doesn’t work out someone has to “at blame.” Oftentimes, two perfectly good people aren’t meant to be with one another (in a relationship), but doesn’t make either of them “bad” or “wrong,” just not the right one for each other.
When considering a relationship, determine if each of you helps make the other person better. Whatever the type - business, personal or otherwise, should be a one plus one equal three situation, otherwise what’s the purpose? Good luck on your next “interview.”
SHE SAID:
Thanks for sharing what so many are feeling today. When you are young it seems so effortless to date. Usually your goal isn't to get married right away so you view dating as something fun to do. However, as you get older and more mature in Christ, dating can get much more serious. Most singles over a certain age want to get married or remarried. So how do you date these days? The same as you did when you were young! But with much more prayer and intentionality.
Because your focus is marriage, continue to pray and ask God if there is there anything within yourself that could use improving. Also, start praying for who God would want you to get to know better and ask out. Next, surround yourself with singles through small groups, events, mission trips, worship, and socials. Today it’s important to build those friendships; friendships can often lead to dating.
I love getting to know the men in my church way before a first date. I can find out through table discussion in Sunday school or group dinners how they spend their money, their time, and their talents. I can find out what is important to them in life, their goals and their passion. This way when I get asked out, I am already in prayer if this is the person for me. But please know I have had many lunches, dinners, and walks with guys that I have not pursued a dating relationship with. There is a value of having a date that is simply about gathering more information without a commitment.
So how do you date today again? The same way. You earnestly seek to get to know them better in a group, then one-on-one. Then if God tells you this could be the one, pursue a commitment with the goal of dating towards marriage. Don't worry; you will know what to do. Also, including friends (married and single) to hold you accountable and offer support and advice is valuable.
Christian Dating Websites
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1-2 ESV)..
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ...Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to hesaid-shesaid@crosswalk.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Publication date: February 13, 2014
Lately I have been getting a lot of questions from older Christian singles who want to be married. They have been asking about what dating advice there is for them and what changes should they make to their dating approach since they are getting a little bit older.
Here are 4 Christian dating tips for older adults who would like to be married.
1. Trying Something New
My general tip would be to just try something different. Lots of times Christians hear a sermon or a teaching on dating and then assume that advice is the only way to ever date. There are certainly biblical truths that apply to dating that Christians should never violate, but “how” people date is an area where we have lots of freedom.
God has not given us one dating path to follow. The way people are joined together in marriage has changed over the centuries. Marriage is where God has let us know a lot more details. So you should not be overly attached to just one dating model. You don’t have to get to know someone as friends first before dating them, you are allowed to date your best friend, you don’t always have to be in a group setting, you can be in a group setting, you can date someone you just met, you can online date, you can go on a blind date from a trusted friend – as long as you are not violating a command in Scripture and you are not sinning.
Overall, if what you have been doing is not working, it’s time to try something different. Don’t just keep trying the same thing (or not trying the same thing) and expect different results.
2. Take Advantage of the Opportunities You Do Get
I think one change in advice that I would give to Christians who feel they are getting a bit older is to take advantage of the opportunities that do come across your path.
If a Christian guy or girl comes along that you are interested in or attracted to, you shouldn’t just sit back and see what happens like you did when you were 20. As you know, the older you get the less options there are. Don’t miss an opportunity to get to know someone who seems to have potential. If you are a woman, this can be a bit challenging because you might believe there is nothing you can do but sit back and wait to be pursued. (Read: Should a Christian Girl Pursue a Guy?)
I disagree. There are a lot of options you have, but perhaps the best piece of practical advice I have is use the power of an invite. If you want to let a guy know you are interested without coming across as desperate, just send him an invitation to do something. In person, over the phone, through text, whatever, just ask him if he would be interested in going out to dinner, a movie, or some other event you would enjoy. Invite and then let him take it from there.
All in all, whether you are a Christian guy or girl who is getting older, you have to accept that the options are more limited, therefore you should not let good opportunities pass you up. You can’t use the same approach you used when you were 19 or 20. You had more time and more options then. If you are going to error on the side of coming across as too forward or too passive, the older you get the more you want to take chances socially and just see what might happen rather than just waiting around for the other person to do something.
3. Date Outside of Your Social Box
This piece of advice applies to anyone who is having trouble meeting other Christians who they would want to date. If you are not meeting anyone in your circle, one solution is to start looking outside of your social box.
We all have a social box. We all come from a certain culture, from a certain neighborhood, from a certain economic environment, and from a certain family background. There’s nothing wrong with marrying someone like you, but you might be limiting some great options if you never start dating outside of your box.
Christian Dating After 40
Visit a church with a different culture. Start looking to date someone like you’ve never dated before. For example, have you ever considered dating someone who already has kids? This is a radical idea for some, but the older you get the more unrealistic it becomes that you will find someone who has been totally single there whole life. There are a lot of beautiful Christian single moms and strong Christian single dads out there that have grown from their past life experiences and are now ready to be a great spouse.
So think outside the box. What “type” of people have you always dated? Try something new. You never know what could happen.
4. Examine Your Expectations and Requirements of People You Will Date
Lastly, one huge problem that often causes prolonged singleness is perfectionism. In general, perfectionism kills productivity. When you apply this principle to Christian dating, sometimes the reason people remain single for so long is because they have too many requirements and boxes they need to check before they will ever give a guy or a girl a chance.
I’m not saying you compromise on you values or violate God’s word. But perhaps you need to shorten your list of requirements. The one piece of dating advice that I always hear and which I really do not like is “Never settle.” Of course I agree in general. You should never marry someone you don’t actually love. But I think some people say “Never settle” and Christian singles hear “Never date someone who isn’t exactly what you dreamed about.”
Our thoughts, dreams, and expectations as young people rarely match reality. When we get older, we can either cling to our fantasies and get bitter or depressed that our hopes are never fulfilled; or we can adjust our expectations and learn to appreciate people for who they are rather than pick them apart for who they are not. Many times people say, “There’s just no good options out there.” That might be true, or it might also be true that you just can’t see the good options because your standards are too high and you can’t see over them. There are oftentimes good options out there, but there are never perfect options out there.
Christian Dating Service
So I’m not saying you need to lower your standards if you are getting older and are still single. I’m just saying it’s something to think about and pray about. What qualities are you placing too much importance on? What qualities might you want in a guy or girl but are not absolute necessities? The more expectations you have the less likely you will ever meet someone just like that.
Don’t just date anyone. If you don’t like someone, you don’t like him or her. That’s fine. Just be open to God doing something creative in your relationships.